Inspired by Tarot ~ To wallow in the negativity of others is to feed into a deep dark weakness where one's will is consumed. Know that when the light dances just right, Spirit will open the door to forgiveness, and there will you find the strength to journey on anew | Five of Summer, Strength, The Dreamer
I feel like I've spent the better part of this year kicking around in barn full a funk and disaster. I'm about ready pack my shit, and walk my ass up outta here. Pun intended.
If we go back a minute, I was on my way to considering myself fit. I'd conquered my obsession with the scale, and had found a way to weigh myself on a regular basis that was mentally and emotionally sound, and often enough to keep myself accountable. Prior too, I was on that blasted thing at least twice a day, every day. It was not good.
Let's fast forward to mid-month February of 2k16, when everything, my entire world, literally fell apart. It's taken me up until a couple of weeks ago to really understand the gravity to which people closest to me hurt me more then words can explain. It was in those moments that I ditched the scale entirely, believing that "it" was the problem. I found a "thing" to take out my sadness on.
Oops.
I should have been paying more attention,
because I also let everything else fall by the wayside,
or should I say, the waist-side.
Me tossing aside the only tool of accountability I had at that time, allowed me to let myself go, with fervor. I went from one extreme to another, and for some fucking reason, have ended up right where I started. Surprise, no surprise.
Okay, so forward to today. I've embraced my broken heart, I understand it for what it is, and I finally know and accept that these decisions have been in play for years and years. While I fought with everything I had within, I have finally learned some people can't be taught, changed or educated, simply because they don't want to be. My expectations for others means nothing if they are not the expectations they have of/for themselves.
My expectations for them, makes me annoying to them, even though my annoyance comes from a place of deep love. What I've had to accept is that even though I think they could have more, it is their actions, and theirs alone that has proven... and I say this with the heaviest of hearts, that they get what they've enabled.
Ultimately, I now know that I need to stop being the ass that caters to the donkey, or my life is going to forever feel like I'm the ass living in said donkey's world. Not a good time. I refuse to accept that living in the shadow of other peoples' victimization is the life I deserve.
I'm sure by now, you can feel the weight of the drama that I've been living this past year. Most of it I spent in denial, and by allowing myself to not get on a scale, I've been able to turn a blind eye to what was happening to me physically as well. I had a 'magic moment' in the shower the other day, and realized what really happened to me 2016. Because of that drama, coach from our work wellness program gave me the beautiful diagnosis of high cholesterol, high blood pressure, low iron and low glucose. The perfect combination for heart disease. I am a black woman, close to turning 40, which means I AM the statistic...
So, in true Gypsy fashion, I say... like fucking hell are the burros in my life going to dictate the future of my heart health. I've given them everything I have. I will not give them my life. My life belongs to me, and the people who've been sitting on the sidelines, quietly picking up the pieces of my heart as it fell broken, hurt and scarred. Pack your stuff, my loves, it's time to for a new adventure.
Finding Duende,
Amanda
Are you ready to stop playing the ass in a donkey's world? Me too.
It's time to shed this low budget fur,
and see what's on the other side of this burnt out barn wood that is 2016.